Even though my aunt was perfect in wickedness, God kinda punished her by making her so dumb academically. She couldn’t speak fluent grammar neither could she write nor read well. My aunt therefore saw me as her help route to pacify her husband.
Apparently she has been having issues with him as he kept complaining of her poor written and spoken grammar. She has over the years failed every embassy screening she was sent to which has in turn hindered her from joining him. He therefore insisted she must be writing him one letter every month, just to help improve her academically. My aunt like usual has been doing a very bad job of that.
God was so kind to me and my new plans. Uncle Ugonna had travelled briefly to another state. He was the one person who usually edits or even rewrites her letters before they are sent. So coming home to meet me, she decided to utilize my knowledge to appease her husband, if only she had known….
To carry out her plan, she became unnecessarily nice for a few days and then lured me to the comfort of her room.
“Ehe nne, I need you to do a little something for me” she said smiling. I nodded to indicate my readiness. “Go and bring a pen and paper”. She said and I ran off in excitement to my school bag. I wasn’t so sure of what she wanted me to do, though I had my suspicions. My heart was bursting out with joy but a little innocent voice inside me kept telling me not to do it. At a point, I decreased my pace and started rethinking what my supposed action could cause.
First, she would definitely get mad and punish me severely but that I could live with, by the way she does that everyday!
Two, her husband might angrily postpone his homecoming as he did the last time, I can also live with this as its gonna hurt her so much. It’s a sweet revenge!
Three, she could lose her marriage. Her husband has really spent a lot to ensure she was at least a graduate, even though we know he has recently lost hope in that angle. He was beginning to resent her due to her inability to grasp even the minor academic work of a nursery pupil, believe me she was that dumb!
This particular possibility caught me, I didn’t have her kind of heart and I would never forgive myself if her marriage crashes because of my silly prank.
But the question that kept ringing in my head was, “Will he break up with her because of this?”
I sure didn’t know the answer, so I changed my mind. I wasn’t going along with my plan.
Just as I was quietly walking back to her room, I heard her scream my name. Obviously due to my troubled heart, I had taken longer than expected and being who she was, she couldn’t take it…
“just a simple pen and paper, you went there and died, idiot!” she said with a sigh. “sit there and translate this letter for me please. Spice it up with big grammars I need him to be happy. And be fast, so you can get back to your chores. Don’t use this as an excuse as to why you didn’t do all your chores today” she admonished leaving the room.
Right now, my anger was at the roof top and yes! I changed my mind instantly. I was going ahead with my plan!!!!
Her draft was written in partly igbo and badly constructed pidgin. I couldn’t help smiling at such anomaly as I set to work.
Her letter was supposed to read something like this
Thanks for being a good husband and I love you. I want to have s*x with you the moment you arrive and I can’t wait to be in your arms. I have missed you so much my love. I appreciate everything you have done and can’t wait to set my eyes on you. Pls remember everything you promised to bring home for me, mama, my sister and brothers. Remember also the money you said you will send next week. Please if it is possible, add extra to it as I have some things to put in the new house.
Well mine read something thus:
Thanks for being an amazing husband and bringing out the burning flames in me that makes me love you the more. I want to have s*x with him the moment you arrive and I can’t wait to be in his arms! I have missed you so much my love and I can’t wait to set my eyes on you. Pls remember everything you promised to bring home for me, mama, my sister and brothers. Bear in mind also the money you promised next week. If it’s convenient for you, I would be pleased, but if not your wife understands.
The new house requires extra fittings which would bore extra costs. I sure would appreciate a little fund for it. However, If it’s strenuous, relinquish the idea of extra cash, your darling wife will dig deep in her savings as to ensure a beauty palace for you in our new home.
I truly love you
I read it out to her and was able to convince her on the meaning of the vocabs I used.
“you can maybe ask for your sisters opinion if you aren’t convinced” I said to her. I was sure she wouldn’t do that because of ego and even if she does, my aunt Oby was also as dumb as she was, although she might pass off as being smarter.
“That one? She knows nothing!” aunt Agnes replied “If only Ugonna was around”.
“Can’t you wait for him to return before posting the letter? It might be better” I faked encouragement. Deep in my heart, I was praying for her to reject the idea.
“No! I’m already behind schedule and I don’t want to waste more days. You know this letter will take four to five days before getting there, I guess I will have to go with this” I was glad. “Read through it again and make sure there are no mistakes”. She ordered.
I faked reading it as she commanded. A part of me was so happy as she sealed the letter in an envelope while a part of me felt bad that I nearly tore the letter. I knew the outcome of this would be devastating and I would be beaten blue black if not killed, but does it matter? It hurts less when you know you were beaten because of an ill act of yours than when you are beaten and punished endlessly for no just cause! I consoled my aching mind and bid her farewell as she rushed off to the post office.
Let my fate meet me in four days …